How could you know? She asks

That is the problem with hindsight it is 20/20


2007 I got three friends together to start making YouTube videos, web comics, and film full length features. Politics and poor management from myself and a host of reason that venture only lasted 3 months before complete collapse.


2016 my wife and I tried to start a food truck. But it didnt work out. I’m confident now that would be different. As the principle reason was the initial finance barrier from square one to open day.

I’ve learned better habits in 2017-18 and we cant start another Becuase we know how much initial capital we need to get out of the box so to speak. I thought in 2016 sweat equity would have been enough, but actually I needed to learn the lessons that year taught along with the following years.


I published my first book in 2018, which was terrible. But my third was published last April and it is decent definitely a 7 out of 10. But while I should have been cultivating an audience since 2018, Becuase of all the other skills I need to grow and keep an author platform.


Had I even just dipped my toe in just a little, I would have discovered the fact that it takes 3 to 5 years to build a stable online presence. 


I knew how long it would take to get my writing to a position I needed it to be offering an acceptable product. And while no one has come out of the woodwork yet and revitalized pulp fiction. Honesty that be a good thing as then I could be second to a fresh market. I dont think anyone is going to create this market for me.


So I have to create it myself.


But No I did not at the time know what might happen. Youtube might over the course of three years become the largest platform making millionaires out of a vast swath of its early creators who were there growing before the Ads.


Web comics from 2008 to 2012 lead to PAX and now in 2020 online comics survive on tips, instead of the hundreds of thousands of adsense their websites generated before mobile social apps of 2013 which demonitized the industry.


This year not withstanding food trucks that complete the festival circuit make profits in the mid 200k from March to Aug.


Of course the likely outcome is always failure. That’s how bussiness works, but except for the food truck which we could either continue pursuing or move out of my friends basement and start paying rent. The venture has always failed not because of finances but becuase of me. Decisions I made. Knowledge I did not at the time possess, which you may say “how could I have known” and to which the reply is “it was my responsibly to know” 


Sorry if this is ranty, today was not good emotionally.


I launched a video last night and soon after I woke up I saw that it was getting a 10% click through (meaning of the hundred people youtube recommended the video to 11 people clicked on it) which is very good. But I had to pull the video down becuase viewers where immediately within the first minute of the 6 minute video clicking away.I need to fix this video, I never should have put it up in that state. I’m feeling guilty becuase a 10% click through is great news and I should be happy. But now I have a benchmark of success which is unrealistic. 


Instead of doing the 2 hours of fixing the video, I took it down. And took a nap sleeping away the day. Then beat myself up since I didnt get any of the other things done I wanted to do.


If I were a robot id be fine and productive but I lost a whole day. Not the first and not the last. Tommorrow I have plans to be better prepared and if the gyms were open I could have eased my anxiety and depression by pedaling away for a hour or two.


I know what band of talent, skill, and education I operate in and if I can keep myself emotionally balanced I will achieve greatness. But that day has not come and since my motivation is not striving for success but rather running from the past versions of myself as a failure. I keep in mind constantly what is the Oppurtunity cost of X.


In my case its millions. Millions of dollars I could have been using to better the treatment of artists, the furthering of my personal mission of raising young men’s literacy and comprehension. The ability to service not just the entertainment needs of people but their educational needs as well.


So much of my entertainment has given my a fake perception of how the world functions and that has lead to mistakes of judgement. 

With love,

Hngyhngyhppo

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