According to the devils dictionary

Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

This hits me hard.

I have achieved enough. I could if I wanted to rest on my laurels. But I am disgusted by all that I have achieved.

Here’s a quick tally.

I have been award a PUC, 2 NAMs, submarine warfare, and a 2nd class mechanic

I have finished and publish 3 novellas

I earned 100 tiktok followers in less than two weeks

I have a wonderful wife

Financially I don’t need a dime from my online endeavors

and yet none of this will stop

that feeling of disgust

I could achieve even more

but that would only make that feeling worse

I could gain 100 blog followers but that is unlikely

this blog is for me and catharsis

I know the metrics though

I will have 100 blog followers when I have 10k youtube subs

I need a 10k youtube subs so that I can get reliably

1k book sales

I need 1k books sales so that I can grow my pulp project.

But the taste of disgust is still in my mouth regarding my YT content.

I don’t like it

It’s not good

and what’s worse

It’s not something I want to do

It’s something I know I need to do

as that is what is keeping my from my mission of raising young men’s literacy

and portraying a more accurate view of the world through pulp fiction

I’ll figure that out

but not today

soon I hope

but not today

then after that endeavor

I’ll figure out how to live with that disgust as well.

With love,


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