According to the devils dictionary
Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
This hits me hard.
I have achieved enough. I could if I wanted to rest on my laurels. But I am disgusted by all that I have achieved.
Here’s a quick tally.
I have been award a PUC, 2 NAMs, submarine warfare, and a 2nd class mechanic
I have finished and publish 3 novellas
I earned 100 tiktok followers in less than two weeks
I have a wonderful wife
Financially I don’t need a dime from my online endeavors
and yet none of this will stop
that feeling of disgust
I could achieve even more
but that would only make that feeling worse
I could gain 100 blog followers but that is unlikely
this blog is for me and catharsis
I know the metrics though
I will have 100 blog followers when I have 10k youtube subs
I need a 10k youtube subs so that I can get reliably
1k book sales
I need 1k books sales so that I can grow my pulp project.
But the taste of disgust is still in my mouth regarding my YT content.
I don’t like it
It’s not good
and what’s worse
It’s not something I want to do
It’s something I know I need to do
as that is what is keeping my from my mission of raising young men’s literacy
and portraying a more accurate view of the world through pulp fiction
I’ll figure that out
but not today
soon I hope
but not today
then after that endeavor
I’ll figure out how to live with that disgust as well.