Tag: Pain

“Infestation”

Posted on by @HppoTweeter in Uncategorized

Day 1 (Morning)

Hey J,

It’s Day 1 again for the thousandth time, last night she punched through the black again. A gorgeous out of focus memory. I go for a hug or to go with her, but she presses my head and keeps me at arms length. Dressed like an angel, bathed in light as she left me to cry. I taste the salt and smell her perfume and coconut shave cream. 42(45) years old, bench 220, certified iron man, trophies mounted in the den, venison and bear in the drop down, I am a man GOD DAMMIT. Not that helpless child. I have the next two weeks off, just on more day…

(Evening)

…Janet is the biggest bitch ever, not just because she is 400 pounds and has bent all the steel chairs in the break room. I just needed to make it through the day. I did, things might be tense after this cleanse and my return but at least this time I got a job to go back to and not a foreman with a black eye. I hadn’t noticed that my arm was still bleeding from when that ho fell on me. Bri pointed out the red on my blue flannel, I thought it wasn’t that deep but then again I don’t think straight and that being the point is why Day 1 comes again. I would be out cold having finished Jeopardy, J they replaced that rainbow guy for the human calculator how long was his streak anyways. Better get to sweating if I am to get some sleep before I drive out tomorrow.

Feeling good and strong now, time to fight those demons.

Day 2(Morning)

Hey J,

It’s Day 2. Last night was the Pakistani. He wasn’t even my first confirmed. I pulled the trigger, he had a gun. Jacoby said that the sweep came up and that his weapon wasn’t even loaded. I guess they made me feel like a tool for that one. Did he not know? Was he set up by his “brothers”? Something in his eyes reminds me of Bri, trust I’ll call it that for now. I’m taking set 2 to McGoggin’s cabin this time. 30 days rations 😉 Janice, Johnathan, Justice, vis gear, tree tent, flares classic and glow, 9 hours of Bowie’s 2018 release LOVING THE ALIEN, crank battery charger, 200 cash, standard sealed first aid kit, a duo pack of cards, and a sealed first aid kit.

(Evening)

After cleaning up the needles and boarding up the window, McGoggin’s cabin looks almost respectable again. Best thing about the solid wood furniture is that applying resin coats was easier than cleaning blood and vomit from the cushions and rugs he kept during Kimberly or was it Candice. I heard her name like twice and after once he called them all “that cunt” anyways. It was an 8 mile hike to the cabin and a 6 hour drive. Now that the place is patched up and the bed sheets changed out. I’ll burn the soiled ones tomorrow.

Day 3(Morning)

Should I be happy the faces have gotten fewer, last night it was the girls from my days with REDWATER. I think I am okay with this small guilt of not having more from my official days of service. I should feel bad and I do, but if this cleanse is just going to the greatest hits that’s okay too. I know J, I am suppose to express the horrors of the dreams and “process” these feelings. But when it comes to the love hostel raid of those REDWATER demons, I am okay with carrying their guilt. Someone should feel bad for the what happened that day. I know those assholes won’t, after all do demons even suffer in hell?

(Afternoon)

Perimeter sweep complete. There is a new gravel road about a half mile from the north border, leading to a wealthy cul-de-sac, Righlty’s Realtor, etched in a granite slab. 5 modern McMansions where the walls are glass except for the sleeping areas on the top and bottom floor. Imagine buying a car you never drive or a view you visit twice a year. Hey maybe they are timeshares J. A quick way to turn a few mil into another dozen. “Each is own.” I know, but fuck wouldn’t there be more to go around if their was more like me who get to the top, stop, and coast. I know there are things I can’t afford like a private jet or a yacht, but I have enough pooled from my dividend that I could take any dam flight or cruise I desire.

Southeast lake looks like carpet clearing, almost full coverage of algae, glad I came out for a hunt and not a fishing trip.

Southwest is still charred from the fires two years ago, dead trees and a grave yard of ashes. I’ll be keeping that out of my sight line. No reason to invite an environmental horror into my PTSDreams.

(Evening)

Logs cut and sheets burned. Some chores shouldn’t be so satisfying, why ever did men leave the woods and settle on cities. Some say women, others say wolves, I bet the college crop says capitalists starved them out. How though, there is food in every bush and fish in every pond.

Day 4(Morning)

REDWATER, Cocaine, Full Sweep, 35 confirmed, 90 fired. 20 armed, 12 under fifteen, screams from those burning in the work house. “We could be heroes, We could be heroes, Just for one day we could beat them” If I could steal time I wouldn’t take back that day. We did some good there, I just wish upon a djinn that I could have done it better. If I had spoke up or had more sway I could have spoken up for a full hostile sweep rather than a full sweep. I could have made the difference, But for that fucking scared child. He is a coward and can’t speak up for what he should. That one is on him. Those screams are for him to suffer.

(Afternoon)

Janice caught me a rabbit clean behind the back of the skull. Shit was ripe with strange ticks though. Yellow-grey carapaces, the length of earwigs and the width of a fat caterpillar. It’s puss smelled of sulfur and methane. I used two bags and hopefully the slurry still attract a coyote or two tomorrow.

My wound has finally closed and I don’t need to change wraps anymore.

Tonight will be the worst, I know it. Justice keeps offering peace, but I am confirmed and their isn’t any doubt what lies after I accept that offer.

(Evening)

I need to get with a dietitian again, I can feel my bones start to crack under the pull of my muscles. How am I to sleep if I can’t exhaust because I got older than I should.

Day 5(Morning)

WATERSTONE, EU, disposal. I did what I had to. Two hours in the bath until my nose started telling the truth about the lye being a dream. After the sun caught the rabbit slurry, that smell returned and had to scrub myself til those red splotches appeared. Vaselined Talcumed before I clothed up again, blessing be that the itching of my clothes keep Justice quiet.

(Afternoon)

At least those bugs didn’t chew through the plastic, and the gasses from their feast didn’t pop the bag either. My hide is set up just a mile from the lake, I found a clean apart that smelled fresh enough. Wild lavender and black berries not heavily picked. Now comes the waiting, well after I climb down and pop the bait. Never mind, J it’s just you and me the gases finally burst the seam. If everything keeps getting so shitty and expensive I will need three bags next time.

Best thing about live recordings is not feeling alone, while literally being alone. And maybe one day the cries of joy will blend with the screams of pain and I can get back to normal like person being.

I saw a fox but she saw me first.

(Evening)

Sun will be down in twenty, being on the edge all day is exhausting. If my haunts hold true though I’d rather not see them tonight. I heard yips 2 hours ago but they won’t refuse a snack if dusk wind blows just right.

(High Moon)

that rabbits nasty infection of tickwigs, headed out under the moon like a square foot of carpet yellow-grey carpet pulsing toward the lake. I watched them shiver blood and guts through Janice’s newest accessory.

Day 6 (Morning)

If the only thing I gained was a reprieve from that time, well last night wasn’t a loss. But had I been paying attention why those tickwigs left. I would have saw that they picked the bitch clean.

(Afternoon)

The lake was completely covered now, and the algae was choking itself losing color fast. If I can’t hunt, what else am I going to do with the time. 4 more days and I can medicate again. Every plan I ever had the world will conspire against it.

(Evening)

Spent the day on the beat trails, and as suspected there isn’t anything from deer or even wild hogs around. The fox watches me though, I left her a trail bar. Her nose is smart enough not to eat those berries containing tickwig maggots. If she was younger and less scarred, I could use the hide. But she has survived many battles and hardly has plume on her tail.

I’m here for the never satisfied hogs or the brutal coyotes, not some geriatric veteran fox.

Day 7(Morning)

WATERSTONE, under Florida, Triangle Job, I never felt so good for getting paid for this one. Never felt worse for losing my ignorance that true monsters walk around in human suits. I’d seen the targets at mass. I didn’t know it yet, why they were hit. Honestly I don’t know for sure whether it was cleaning up deviants or just a power play. I suspect the son of course, his gains where close to half a bill. But could have been any of a hundred reasons he upset the wrong person, something as simple as not showing “proper” respect during a banker’s dinner party. New money has no idea how fragile their fate’s thread is. What I did for those children was a mercy, and the fact their faces bring me a moment of peace during that nightmare. Why did the crew have to be so upset and haunt me? Did they not know? Is it possible they had no idea what their master was? Was the devil himself laughing at me knowing that maybe one day he would have all our souls. They died without last rites. They should be working it off in Purgatory not pissing off my sleep.

Sorry J, this isn’t much of a dialogue and process is it. Maybe next time.

Well I am off to pour 20 gallons of gas into the choke at the lake and bring back nature through a little dino blood magic.

////////

This has been an Iron Age media submission, Be sure to vote after October 19th 2023.

https://ironage.media/prompt/the-infestation.html

How to Have a Successful Self-Employed Day

Posted on by @HppoTweeter in Uncategorized

Simple: You decide before the day whether it’s going to be a success or not

Then

at the end of the day decide whether or not it was successful.

Simple?

-NO

Truth is it is very hard to judge yourself whether the day was successful. Whatever your field, their will be landmines.

I’ll tell you about mine-field then boil down that experience and hopefully it will help you flip your houses, sell your Amway, or make sweet vapor-wave beats like Fwenzy.

I am a writer, publisher, marketer, manager, blogger, husband, nutrition enthusiast, philosopher, game theorist, mechanic and a video game addict.

I can’t do all of these everyday. There is not enough hours and as little as I sleep, my dreams are filled with workflow processes and Javascripting stacks.

But when I have my “Days off” I have to decide what will make a successful day before I go to bed the night before.

Thurs-Fri are my typical “Days off” ergo these are the days I get to pour hours into my company.

I start with a word count goal typically 2k-3k.

Some days I only get 500 words toward my finished work. Those are sad days but they happen. It’s not that I didn’t try on those days. I spent the time at the computer with Word Open, I went to the gym, I wasn’t too full or too hungry. Typically I painted myself into a corner and sense I write from the hip meaning I do very little plotting, I occasionally run into a scenario where the characters have to solve some challenge but it has to be in a believable way.

I can’t have the honest paladin steal a set of keys to free his friend who got locked up for sleeping with the captain’s daughter. I can’t just magic a solution from the barkeep who happened to be an Ex-mage. The lover can’t just turn her objections into affections because the sex scene would really slip in well here, no the characters have to be true to themselves. Because unlike real life fiction has to make sense.

When you work for yourself you decide whether or not your day was a success. But you need to measure not just yesterday but the day before and the day before that. Each day looking back with the knowledge you have now and evaluating exactly how successful that day was.

This Little Blog

has yielded not a single book sale I’m aware of. So is it worth maintaining?

Yes, Blogging helps me write by getting over myself and getting a lot of the junk out of my system. And while most days I get only a single view. Since regularly posting each week starting in March:

I’ve garnered over 20 followers, 12 of which I’m certain are real life robots

I’ve gotten over a thousand unique visitors. Two of my posts regularly appear in google search results.

I’ve even been referenced over on KiwiFarms as a source of red pill authority

-Quite the feather in my Fedora-

{Blatant Sarcasm}

{}About the Fedora{}

Now my current game-plan is no secret, Once I have Three more Novella’s in the Chamber. I’m going to push The Duke and The Dragon Hard as every read should yield my an ROI of $35. Finally writing will be profitable. Hopefully by Jun 2021 It will be my full time gig.

I have been writing for three years. And every single November has been a dead month. That’s three November’s without a single word written. What’s that random #writingcommunity stranger #NaNoWriMo is November where people write a 50k novel in a single month and my novella’s only Average 40k. Well then, FUCK YOU, -straight-en’s choker- I mean clearly my muse is busy helping others that month.

But I’ve looked at the trend and I have to say. I’m taking next November off, regardless. That’s right random citizen author I’ll be on Vacay while you’re cramming at #NaNoWriMo. Because It’s had no measurable negative impact on my writing quality or my works in progress. November is filled with family issue’s events and surprises from the woodwork. Was it a successful month? If I just looked at this past November I would say no, But since I have 2018 and 2017 to look at as well. I have a different view, Was 2019 November a success? Yes, I am quite refreshed and ready to work.

In Three Year’s I’ve written Three Books. In Four I’ll have Written Seven or Ten. If I can make this my full time- gig. I’m looking at clocking Ten a year.

When you are working for yourself, you have to take all the data step back as far as possible from where you are, so you can see both where you are going and where you came from.

Some day’s i do feel like shit because I’m not working “HARD” enough then I remember how much harder I am working now than when I started and I feel a little better. Also I my blogging skills are improving

-except for putting pretty pictures up-

{I don’t care for that level of Aesthetics}

SO has you’re day been successful?

Compared to this time last week?

This time last year?

This time last decade?

If the answer is no

What needs to change?

That is the only other question you need to ask.

With Love,

HngyHngyHppo

It takes ten minutes

Posted on by @HppoTweeter in Uncategorized

STOP!!!

STOP, right where you are

Remember what you had for lunch yesterday?

You ask your brain to recall the memory. The first thing it lays at your feet is a tasty dish from… when was that.. not yesterday… no, NO.. aw that’s what you ate.

This is where you realize your brain is either lying to you or incompetent. Your brain is dumb. You are an intelligent, hard-working, kind person but you haven’t made progress toward your dream… in how long?

I’ve seen the future of my coworkers. They work a brutal schedule five 9 to 10 hours (paid) a day with Saturdays off and one rotating day of, night shift to boot. Typically an hour drive each way. The labor itself is bending, lifting, and stacking up to 90lbs but an average lift of 20-30lbs (ideally 200 times an hour). The hardest workers make clerical wages and the technical workers operating heavy equipment and not doing a lot of lifting make less than a McDonald’s Assistant manager. It’s not surprising annual turnover is over 200%. This gig breaks people and it isn’t until they are broken that they leave.

Why do they wait until they pull a muscle or slip a disc before they even consider leaving? Because just like you their brains are dumb. Unlike you, they don’t know this fact.

It only takes ten minutes.

One of the most common habits of successful people is meditating. Meditation is a turn off for a normal duck. It’s hard. I can’t get my brain quit. I’d rather listen to the radio during the few minutes I have as alone time each day.

It’s an uncomfortable reality that for most ducks ten minutes alone with just them and their brain is PAINFUL.

Graduate to meditating daily like the multi-millionaire gurus you aspire to be like.

START by just listening to your brain for ten minutes.

Ask it the question, Any question really.

How am I going to get out of this situation? Why do I do this?

Listen to it’s answers. Some may be good. You need X dollars a month. You have a family to support. You need a degree.

Then ask it the next question.

WHY?

Here’s where you start to see through your brain’s bullshit.

Listen to it’s excuses. Consider them either valid or stupid. If they are stupid reasons: “Because, that’s the way it’s always been.” , “Because we don’t have a choice.” , “Because you can’t”. Then keep asking WHY until you get a VALID response.

If the response is valid ask your brain

HOW?

It’ll tell you.

The truth is that process was painful and your brain in it’s loving kindness for sanity. Doesn’t like to be called out like this. That’s why it begs for the TV to be turned on in the background. That’s why you listen to the radio. That’s why you can’t remember your lunch from yesterday at first ask. You’re brain wants to keep you SAFE and ALIVE but you need to put it on the spot if you ever want to be SUCCESSFUL and THRIVE.

With love as always,

HngyHngyHppo

How to do a Lyrical Breakdown

Posted on by @HppoTweeter in Uncategorized

What is “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish about?

That is what the thorn I was going to remove from my brain today but..

But while crafting that analysis and researching if anyone else has already created such a work, the reality that no one one the first three pages of google has anywhere near a decent analysis is a far greater thorn.

If you don’t understand the language of a song

then you are listening to this song

and if that is the case all you should concern yourself with is the mathematical patterns in the harmonics… the deviations in the scale and the chords used… phonetically you can ignore the lyrics

but if you think in the same language as the song be it Thai, Portuguese, Pigeon, or Engrish

then listening to that song whether you are actively paying attention or passively distracted is almost the same as having those lyrics as your own thoughts.

This is why lyrical analysis’s are important. If you don’t think in the language of the music then the song is gibberish

But if you do…

And you want to ask someone what these thoughts mean…

That is not an unreasonable request.

As with any Art there will always be at least three meanings.

The first is the Author’s intent

This song is about taking power in a relationship

The second is the Listener’s personal interpretation (in this case mine)

This is a song about sexual abuse and the victim trying to take control of their victimization by trying to convince themselves that they wanted it. While struggling with the shame of being both a victim of the abuse and being socially punished for attracting such abuse.

Then there is the general interpretation

using as much data as is possible what does this song mean to a typical Gen Z, Millennial, or the population at large. What culturally relevant shared experiences do these demographics have that would frame the piece of music in question?

This is the type of breakdown I was going to do…

I’m not because it bothers me more that either no one knows how to do this type of breakdown

and no one even bothered to even give out there own personal interpretation.

Because if I had a few Gen Z’er’s personal interpretation and a few Millennial interpretations plus the Artist’s intent then a general interpretation would be relatively easy for me to triangulate.

SO FINALLY

here is how you analysis a song with your personal interpretation

First let the audience know what the Artist’s intent was. This will build credibility for the argument that your personal interpretation is the correct one.

Now present your interpretation

“Bad Guy” is about the singer pretending to be meek and girly in order to attract strong men who have fragile ego’s and can’t handle a real powerful woman.

Then using the lyric’s provide evidence for your position.

If you are actually and objectively trying to answer the Question

What is “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish about?

Then you will need to provide as many frames of reference as possible.

Gen X will see this song very differently than Gen Z

and then explain what it would mean to them and why

Gen X many of them might remember listening to Aqua’s “barbie girl” for the first time at their child’s birthday party and being horrified to hear their child singing along.

Baby Boomer’s haven’t heard this song

Millennial’s have an awkward position

and Gen Z likely knows about the Artist’s other works and how her process is not just herself but she comes from a musical family… which has impacted the shaping of her lyrics significantly. Billie Eilish is a master of her vocal craft but the source of her lyrics is highly collaborative.

that is the type of analysis I wanted to write but limited on the resource of time.

This is all I can offer at this point.

I tell you what though

If this post gets 100 likes before the end of August 2019

I will carve out the estimated 8-10 hours to do a proper analysis on

What is “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish about?

Or leave a comment asking for an analysis of any song in the Engrish language and the first to get 10 likes I will give my personal interpretation on.

With Love,

Hngyhngyhppo

Resistance through pain.

Posted on by @HppoTweeter in Uncategorized

This has been inspired by two thorns.

A fantastic YouTube video by Storytellers

How To Be Creative: How an Artist Turns Pro

And my current flaring hemorrhoids

The video covers the subject of resistance. The resistance of doing anything but the creative work that you should be doing. Whether that is procrastination, fear, and/or anxiety that prevents you from starting or continuing.

What this hasn’t covered or mentioned is the resistance of being in physical pain.

Everyone has experienced at least a bad day when you haven’t had enough sleep. You’ve forgot to take your caffeine and you’ve got a headache that you know will rob you of the next few hours of work. Bruised and sore muscles.

We can get through our paying gigs just fine. Suffering through these aches and pains without a great loss to the man we are making dollars for. But then when we have the chance to work for ourselves … well … results may vary.

I’ve torn a muscle in my shoulder two hours into an eight hour shift during my first ninety days at a cardboard factory. It’s been two years and there is still of whisper of that muscle that hasn’t been reclaimed reminding me of that I’ve lifted and worked through a 7 on the Stanford Pain Scale. And I’ve experienced a certified 9 as reference.

Right now I’ve got a cough and a hemorrhoid that spikes my pain from 3 to 5. But here I am still getting work done. Tonight when I’m lifting in my warehouse job I might be between a 5 and 7 but that’s not going to stop me there.

So why does this pain stop me when I’m here?

Why then can’t I get work done, pages written, plots thickened, or characters killed, if I’m experiencing anything greater than a 4 on the pain scale?

Why isn’t this type of resistance discussed?

What really burns me through… is how I forget that I was ever in pain to begin with. I was sick last Friday and I couldn’t get more than a single page of a comic script transferred from storyboard to word. Then I spent all Saturday beating myself up about how I’ve wasted a twenty four hour period. Only to have a cough remind me that I was still sick and bring some form of validation for the choice I made.

I know at this point that even taking one day off is disaster to my time frames and deadlines. One day breeds two years and a decade later you’ll be just as unhappy with yourself as your unfinished or unstarted projects.

If your in pain but you do a quality 10%…

Try to be happy with that

rest and heal

Maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to do 15% or more.

But if you start doing 0% the resistance will only grow stronger and you’ll need to be at 110% before you start again.

Wishing you all good health,

Hngyhngyhppo